As most of you might have guessed, I am extremely manly and rugged. I mean, I take two baby steps out the front door and throngs of people point at me and say, “I don’t know what’s wrong with that crazy, horrible, strange man, but isn’t he manly and rugged?” So, it was only natural that my dog (who is sadly not manly, but is extremely rugged), and I decided to set out on a quest to become world-renowned lumberjacks.
Now, the first thing we needed to know is where lumberjacks live and work in the U.S. So, through painstaking analysis and complex computerized formulas of my own device, we decided to become lumberjacks within the bountiful forests of New York City. However, when I searched my pants pockets, I discovered I had no funds for us to get there. So, we decided to hop a freight.
My dog and I headed for the freight yards of Anytown, USA. We immediately spotted a train heading in what I could only assume was the direction of NYC. As it quickly passed us, we noticed a single freight car with its doors wide open. My dog and I caught up to it and hopped on board.
Tea and Crumpets
As our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness of the run-down interior, several passengers greeted us, none of whom I’d like to meet … well … really anywhere.
One of them menacingly approached us. He wore a nicely tailored Brooks Brothers gray pinstriped suit with a lovely white carnation boutonniere inserted into his lapel. His hair was nicely trimmed, graying slightly at the temples to match his extremely expensive suit. He spoke with a sophisticated English accent.
He said to me, “My word, you two must be awfully parched. How about a spot of tea and crumpets?”
We accepted gratefully.
After a few moments of looking us up and down he said, “Well, old sport, you and your little dog look a bit on the ragged side.” He pulled out his wallet. “Would you please accept, shall we call it a loan of, oh, a hundred pounds to tide you and your little friend over? That is until you can get back on your sad little feet.” He studied us a bit further, me in my ten-year old Green Bay Packers sweatshirt and jeans, and my dog in his somewhat worn plaid collar. Then he added, “How would it be if we make it two hundred?”
He extended the money, and my dog grabbed it.
Since my eyes were now adjusted to the light, I noticed a group of similar attired gents sitting around a table in a corner of the freight car playing backgammon. A butler served them tea.
Uh-oh
As we rode the rails for several long days, we all heartily joined in singing traditional folk songs. In another corner of the freight car a ten-piece orchestra provided musical accompaniment.
In between musical interludes, Harold (our benefactor), my dog and I sat on the car floor with our legs dangling over the side out the open door. Harold turned to me and said, “By the by, where might the two of you chaps be heading?”
I eagerly explained our plans to become world-renowned lumberjacks in New York.
He said, “My word, what a coincidence. That exactly matches the plans of my chums and I!”
My dog and I nodded happily at their plans.
I turned to view his chums now engaged in a wondrous game of cricket.
Harold suddenly frowned. “However, I must say, old bean, were you aware you are traveling in the wrong direction?”
I don’t know about my dog, but this particular bean did not. “Uh-oh,” I uttered.
I said to Harold, “But I thought you and your friends were traveling to New York to become world-renowned lumberjacks as well?”
The Mighty Pacific
As his butler shined his shoes, Harold replied, “We are, dear boy, but we’re taking a slight side trip to Hawaii to go on holiday. We’re only eight hours away. My lads, I think you should look downward at the terrain below your feet.”
My dog and I gazed down. We couldn’t help but notice the train was traveling on tracks floating on the mighty Pacific Ocean.
Fortunately, Harold supplied us with a nice-sized dinghy that we could temporarily utilize while we awaited another freight headed back East. He provided a butler as well.
As the three of us floated in the water, I shouted out to Harold still inside the quickly disappearing train. “Why didn’t you people take a plane to go to Hawaii?”
He screamed, “So, you could incorporate us into this ridiculous story of yours!”
That made sense.
My dog, the butler and I waved our fond good-byes to Harold and our other friends as their freight train disappeared into the lovely Pacific horizon.
Our high hopes of becoming world-renowned lumberjacks remained, except for the butler, who was also intent on moving to New York City for work – although in a different capacity. He explained to us, “My lads, I do not wish to be soiled in such a dirty and most strenuous occupation as a dingy lumberjack.”
His dream was to become a coal miner.