I went to the library today, astonished they still existed. I was equally astonished that my dog was also allowed inside. He quickly wandered off, so I mosied over to the front desk to stand before the classic caricature of a Librarian: spindly, pince-nez bifocals, and a suit that had seen too many dry cleanings. I cleared my throat. The librarian glanced at me, so I asked why my dog was allowed entrance.

“He showed me his library card,” he answered blissfully, “and it’s platinum, which is the highest ranked library card since the dawn of civilization.”

I nodded cordially but replied firmly, “Yes, but he isn’t human.”

The librarian shrugged. “These days we’ll take whoever or whatever we can get. Yesterday we admitted Matt Lauer.”

I resumed my seat at the lengthy table. I pulled out my phone to browse the library’s website to get some ideas on what book to check out. Perhaps a classic.

Burt … AKA … Muffin

Suddenly a man, who had up to now been seated on the other side of the table, approached me. He asked if the seat next to mine was taken.

I looked at the empty chair and shook my head doubtfully. 

He sat down very deliberately, as though battling a severe case of hemorrhoids. After finally settling in, he began scanning the room. His eyes darted from shelf to shelf, before finally settling in on me. He sneezed, then said, “My name is Burt, but my dearest friends, of which I have none, call me Muffin. Always remember, however, the M and the f’s are silent.” 

I nodded and quickly resumed my phone search, before hearing my dog growl in the distance. I’m sure it was due to some passerby requesting to see his impressive teeth. 

Burt motioned to my phone and asked, “May I ask, what are you doing?”

I skidded my chair back a foot. It made an audible screech. The librarian was peering at me.  I finally answered “Burt”. “Nothing special, I’m afraid.” I smiled thinly at him, as razor thin as I could manage. “Just trying to find a book to read.”

He majestically motioned to the endless array of shelves. “Why don’t you venture out there, where a veritable treasure trove awaits exploration?”

I smiled, more warmly this time. “That’s true, but I’m getting ideas is all. Saves wear and tear on the feet.”

Pleasure books, perhaps?

He resumed his intense scanning, and I mean it was intense. If his eyes narrowed any further, they’d be closed. Then his gaze burst open with a wide-eyed look of sheer innocence. He asked, “What kind of books are you interested in?” Then his lips pursed, and a bead of sweat trickled down his nose. He wiped it away and said in unquestionably sinister fashion, “Pleasure books, perhaps?”

“Pleasure … what are you talking about?” Thoroughly annoyed, I added, “I’m sorry, sir, but do you work here?” I glanced toward the counter for the librarian, but he had disappeared.

“Oh,” he answered quickly. “I’ve offended you, haven’t I?”

“No,” but the irritated tone in my voice countered my reply. “Regardless, maybe if you just move back to the other side of the table. Okay? I think we’ll all be more comfortable.”

“I have offended you.”

“No-no, it’s just that …”

“It’s just that I find it impossible to choose which literary fiction books to read. Therefore, you see, I innocently seek suggestions from others.”

I nodded.

“You are interested in fiction? Or am I too presumptuous.” He clutched my elbow. “Please forgive me if I am!”

Muffin Really Likes …

I noticed my dog in the “Self Help” aisle, again displaying his teeth, this time to an impressed crowd. They were applauding. I refocused on Muffin. “Um, no, you’re not presumptuous, and yes … I enjoy fiction.”

“Pleasure fiction, perhaps?”

I shoved back my chair and stood. I decided to register a complaint with the librarian.  “Look pal, just what are you …”

He grabbed my arm while a demonic gleam emitted from his eyes. “I’ve tried gaining employment here, it’s been my lifelong dream. I filled out their applications, but I’m forever turned down, and always for the same incendiary reason!”

I stood there waiting, but all he did was scratch his nose. Impatient as I could be, I finally said, “Well, what’s the reason?”

“Huh. Look at your dog over there. He’s filling out an application and I bet they hire him.”

I followed his gaze to the front desk, where sure enough he was standing on his hind legs with a pen in hand. The Librarian looked on approvingly.

Muffin slammed his fist down upon the table, never a good idea in a library. The startled Librarian stormed toward us.

The Librarian Does Not Appreciate Noise

Muffin outstretched his hands toward the ceiling. “I never know what literary fiction books to read! It is the bane of my existence and the reason for my escalating downfall!”

The Librarian joined us and carefully wedged himself between Muffin and me. He said, “If this racket persists, I will be forced to ask the two of you to leave.” He then glanced back to the front desk before pulling me aside. “Although your dog can certainly stay. He has so many ideas on what kind of literature to read.  Why, in the first minute alone he mentioned, Huckleberry Finn, Moby Dick, Ulysses, Don Quixote, my-my, one after another.” The Librarian leaned toward me to whisper, “And he has such dazzling teeth.”

He then turned to Muffin. “Yes, that dog flawlessly recited one literary work after another without even the semblance of hesitation. I’ve never heard anything so magnificent.” He poked a finger in Muffin’s chest. “It’s something you will never do because you’re a literary fraud.”

Muffin lunged at the Librarian and a horrible fistfight ensued. Blow after blow was exchanged, but I couldn’t intercede, because my fingers, above all, must be safeguarded – for typing.

Fortunately, my dog intervened, and it didn’t take long for him to separate the two combatants, by snarling, showing them and the appreciative spectators his impressively large, white, perfectly straight, and too dangerous to tangle with teeth.

In the end, my dog was offered the job, but unfortunately was forced to decline.

The insurance the Library carried did not include dental.

If you enjoyed this little story ….

… there’s much better stuff in your local Public Library. I feel it’s imperative for people to get away from their phones, computers and TV’s, and venture out into a world magnificently filled with books and books and books. To locate your local Public Library, click here. Also, if you like this post, how about reading another funny post on my site? Click here.