I called my wife at work today, for I was terribly upset. Upon her answering the phone I was startled even further, because she answered by calmly saying, “Hello.” You see, usually, she has severe difficulty pronouncing that word. It typically comes out as, “WHAT???!!!” or “I’m leaving you!” or “Move out of the house!” But thankfully such was not the case on this day, so I knew the extra strength medication I was secretly adding to her huge liquor supply was working.
Now, by this point of the conversation, I was visibly trembling, so I realized it would require all my concentration just to get the words out. I said, “My world … has been turned upside down.” Normally she would have hung up in frustration with me and taken a trip, usually a lovely ocean cruise, but she seemed genuinely concerned. She said, “Whatever is wrong, my darling?” Obviously, she was mistaking me for somebody else, so I replied dully, “It’s me, your husband.” She immediately swore, utilizing a word I didn’t even know existed, much less heard in a sentence, and then she said, “Okay, well, what is it then, you pathological twit?”
I could barely form the words, but I bravely soldiered on. “We-we … ran out of paper towels.” I could hear her gasp. “Did you look in the cupboard?” I told her I had not only searched our cupboards but the neighbors’ as well. “That may explain why I’m calling you from jail.” She asked what the bail amount was, but I told her the lone judge in town refused to even consider my case. “In fact,” I told her, “the guard just informed me that after the judge called me a pathological twit, he suddenly departed on a lovely ocean cruise.”
So, I guess I won’t be expecting her on visiting days, but the guard told me he might drop by.
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